The
absolute worst jealousy comes when a friend wins a contest that you also
entered. What makes this jealousy
particularly potent is that a lot of contests inform people that their manuscript
has been rejected by submitting the announcement of who has won. When the
winner is a stranger, you can just honestly be sad that your manuscript wasn’t
selected. But when the winner is a friend, there’s conflict. Suddenly you
realize you were competing with that friend all along (which is not true, as
the initial reader who rejected your manuscript is probably different from the
initial reader who loved your friend’s). Your friend celebrates, as you are
told once again you’re not good enough.
The
important thing to remember is to be gracious—even if you’re feeling petty and
awful. Congratulate the friend, and, this is important, say nothing about also being
in the contest. Tell yourself, over and over if necessary, that you’d rather
lose to someone you know than to some stranger. Remind yourself that even if
you never get your book published and secure your place in the canon, it is
kind of cool to be able to point to books on your own shelf and say, “I knew
that author before she was famous.”
One
of the best ways to deal with jealousy, whether it’s the acute “I can’t believe
I lost to you” kind or the more general “I want to publish a book too” kind, is
to go to the friend’s book release or reading, buy a copy of the book and have them
sign it. First of all, if you’re like me, buying a book always improves one’s
mood. Second, you get to feel like a literary insider. You were there from the
beginning before so-and-so became famous, and if your friend doesn’t become
famous, you know some of the great underrated authors of your time. Third, your
friend will probably write something gracious, kind, encouraging, or funny when
they sign your book. Your friend knows you and knows that you’re struggling to
achieve the same thing. They appreciate your support and want you to succeed
too. Later when you’re reading your friend’s book, if you feel the jealousy
reappear you can flip to the front and read what they wrote. It’s always good
to have a reminder why you were friends in the first place. Fourth, you’re earning karma points for when
you do eventually get a book published and want to have people show up to your
own book release.
Once
I have acquired my friend’s book, I still wait until that nasty jealousy has
passed to read it. Usually you’ll have received other rejections that you’re
now focused on, or maybe you have looked at your manuscript and realized,
“Crap, I need to revise this.” If it’s the latter, realize that it is a good
thing that the manuscript you are now unhappy with got rejected. Time, I find,
usually softens jealousy—though in fairness I haven’t had a friend make it on to
the New York Times bestseller list
yet so in that case time may actually increase it—so when you sit down and read
your friend’s book you can enjoy it. Jealousy will make good writing bad. It
will discover faults that are not there. Even if the writing is flawed, there
is a certain pleasure in feeling “I know this person” as you read. There is the
excitement of realizing that you read an earlier draft of this poem or
story—that you have insight no other reader will. Those are pleasures worth having.
If
you mention that you’re feeling down about being bookless, people may mention
other authors who didn’t publish a book until age 29, 40, 55, or 80. Do not
seek solace in an author who didn’t publish until they were older than your
current age. If you do, that age will become a deadline. At 25 it might be
comforting so say big-shot-author didn’t publish their first book until they
were 33, but at 34 you’ll feel like a failure. Just avoid comparing your career
to famous authors in general—it’ll always be an exercise in masochism.
Finally,
don’t forget your own achievements. At the beginning of this post, I mentioned
that I have published several poems and completed a manuscript. Years ago I was
jealous when I heard of people publishing a single poem or of people compiling a
manuscript. I was once jealous of people being able to sit down and write
something that they would be willing to show another living soul. I’m sure that if I ever publish a book I will
be jealous of those who published a second one or whose first one received a
lot of attention. The thing about writing is that there is always something more.
There is always the next novel, essay, poem, or story that you’ll have to sit
down and write. You’ll never be able to say, “Yes, I won at writing,” because
for each mountain you climb there will always be a taller one.
